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Friday, January 20, 2012

HUMOROUS HRD NOTICE



HUMOROUS HRD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES
[
A circular was found in one of the office notice boards ]

Dear STAFF ,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION :
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
a)    If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b)  If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c)  If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs.


LUNCH BREAK:
a)  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b)  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c)  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS
:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE
:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a)  There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b)  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c)  After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d)  Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.


SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

INTERNET USAGE
:
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.

Important Note:        
Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.


Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


Best regards
,
HR Department

Via Email


1 comment:

  1. Future plans of HR department :

    1. Appoint independent workers who can work on their own without depending on others. Because only independent workers can efficiently practise interdependency.

    2.Make the employees self reliant so that they will take the responcibilty of their good or bad jobs.

    3. Guide the employees to choose a job which suits them the most.

    4. Train the employees to handle the chemicals with great care as nothing is explosive if u avoid mishandling.

    5. Implement basic science lessons like "To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction". Introduce some spiritual lessons as well which will make employees understand basic spiritual laws like "U reap what u sow". These lessons will not only change the mind state of employees but will also help them to work in a constructive manner.

    6. Enable the employees to face worst situations like bankrupcy -fearlessly.

    7. Short Yoga lessons from a real yoga practitioner which will help to inculcate some moral values among the employees.

    8. Decency in manners as well as language of employees.

    9. A programme to keep a track of what employees do in the office time.

    10. Make employees aware of things going on in the company so as to avoid the wastage of time being spend in the jobs already taken up by someone else.

    surely with these future plans company will sail through calm as well as rough sea...happy sailing together.

    and last but not least tell those who don't understand humor "Sling your hook" on their face instead of sugar coated notices.

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